


the rainy way back home

by kintou



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: 13k, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Library, Fluff, M/M, Oneshot, Recovery, asheiji, asheiji oneshot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-12-14 12:10:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21015566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kintou/pseuds/kintou
Summary: The library Eiji works in feels like a home. He isn't the only one who thinks that. Every single morning a handsome man, drenched by the rain, comes in and stays until closing time. He never checks any of his books out, he never really seems to feel at ease, and now he even seems to have caught a cold. That's it; Eiji decides that he can solve the other's problems with ginger tea, soup and a lot of books.





	the rainy way back home

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This is my second AshEiji fic and I'm very excited. Excuse any errors in my English (& feel free to give feedback); I'm not native. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy this!

You would think that working at a library would make me less excited about buying books. That it would make me want to watch a video on my phone when I wake up, instead of opening a book and reading the next chapter with my breakfast. I had expected it to be like that. Still my mornings were the same as they had been for a while. I put on a playlist with soft piano music, preferably some Ghibli covers, and started making drip coffee. Depending on the day I’d make myself oatmeal, or a traditional Japanese breakfast. Today was definitely an oatmeal kind of day. It was getting cold, really cold. The trees were now almost empty and storms had been hitting the city more regular. This morning was no different. The rain tapped against the window like it was nobody’s business. The sky would never listen to our complains about having to get to work, and that was the best thing about her.

Still.. I did really have to get to work. 

I’d deal with it later, I decided as I watched my coffee drip into my mug. I sat down at my kitchen island and opened my book.  _ The elephant vanishes _ by Murakami. The magical fragments would take me away until I would go running to the bus stop, hoping lightning wouldn’t strike my umbrella. Today would be a good day, a cozy one. A storm couldn’t stop me. 

The library was a few minutes bus drive from my house. On better days, not just sunny days but also days where an umbrella would be of any use, I’d walk to work. It would wake me up properly. Today was more of a slumber kind of day. The wind blew the rain against the bus window and it calmed me. I watched the bus stops shoot by, waited for the one in front of the library. The stop was one without any shelter. So as soon as the bus stopped, opened its doors, I fastened my pace. I glanced up at the small old church that was turned into a library. Underneath the small roof was someone hiding from the rain, frowning. I recognized him as someone who came to the library a lot. He’d never checked anything out with me, though, maybe he had done so with one of my colleagues. He noticed me looking, stared at me for a few seconds, and then walked my way. 

‘Hey’, he said, loudly so I could hear him over the rain.

‘Good morning,’ The guy was handsome. His blonde locks were messy from the wind, but he wore his clothes neat and confident. There was a hint of tiredness in his eyes. ‘The library doesn’t open in another hour.’ 

‘Oh-’ he glanced at the door, the opening hours on them. ‘Shit- I didn’t know.’ 

‘Sorry..’ 

He shook his head. ‘Not your fault- I’ll just wait.’ 

I couldn’t help but smile. Who wanted to go to the library this early? Luckily most of the visitors lived close, went and came as they pleased. ‘See you in an hour, then.’ I mumbled. I couldn’t help but smile at the gorgeous guy, who, despite his cocky smile, seemed to be thinking about what to do. 

I slowly opened the library door. I didn’t want to close it right in front of him, but he turned around, got a cigarette out of his pocket and walked away from the door. 

I clicked the lights on, walked into the big building and let it sink in for a second. To me this was one of the best places on earth. The library felt like a home, somehow, and I hoped it felt like that for others too. I took off my coat and put it on top of the heater behind the desk. Then, I got the post and put them on the desk. I’d check those later, a small library doesn’t have much of a system for post. I got the books that were brought back before closing time, then I looked through the window. The handsome guy was still standing there. He was looking at the rain, a cigarette loosely hanging from his lips, completely drenched by the rain. 

He looked beautiful. 

He looked a little lost too. 

I couldn’t place the look, but I sure tried while standing there with books piled up in my arms. Studying him for a completely unreasonable amount of time.

Shit. 

I placed the books on the nearest table, walked towards the door, and cursed myself while doing so. Quickly, I opened the door, a cold wind hit my chest. 

He didn’t look at me. 

I waited a few seconds before calling out. ‘Hey! uhm-’ He looked at me, surprised. ‘Are you okay?’ 

He stared at me, in confusion, and then he laughed softly. ‘What kind of question is that?’ I didn’t think there was anything weird about it. 

‘A worried one.’ I waited for an answer. But there was none. I guessed he wasn’t. Okay, that is. ‘Do you want to come inside? I guess that it’s fine.’ 

He frowned, nodded, walked my way slowly. ‘You’re a really good guy.’ A cold shiver went through me. I was still standing in the door opening without a coat. He noticed, smiled softly. ‘I guess I will. Come inside, I mean.’ I hadn’t expected that. He surprised me with that soft smile. 

He followed me inside. His leather jacket was completely wet, and even his jeans seemed drenched. He had been outside for quite a while, I realised. He probably didn’t have a car. He himself didn’t seem too bothered about it, he calmly looked around. 

‘Let me get your jacket?’ He nodded, slowly took it off. Underneath he was wearing a turtleneck, with a black hoodie on top. His jeans were ripped, but it didn’t look like he had bought them that way. 

‘Thanks,’ He mumbled. 

‘You’re welcome.’ And he was. Even though I felt a little bad for bringing someone random into the library. I didn’t think anyone would get mad about it. 

‘I’ve- eh- got to work. But I’ll put on some coffee first. You can read, or something.’ 

‘I guess I could do that here, in the library.’ 

I rolled my eyes at him, and decided not to answer that. Instead, I walked to the back room and started the coffee machine. He followed behind me and leaned against the doorframe. I put five spoons of coffee in the filter and put a pot full of water into the machine. The beautiful man watched my hands move. As soon as the machine - that would sometimes boycott starting up - had started, I turned around. 

He was smiling a little. ‘I actually think I like it better here when no one’s around.’ 

‘I’m here though.’ 

That made him smile. ‘You’re okay. You can stay,’ He joked. 

I rolled my eyes at him. ‘Well, thank you very much.’ 

I could head the rain fall on the old rooftop It made enough noise to cancel other noises out. It was a lovely sound, to me. The sound of a storm. There’d probably be thunder too, later. ‘You like the rain, don’t you?’ he asked me. 

‘Yeah.. I do.’ 

‘You’re weird.’ 

I took two mugs, poured the coffee inside of it slowly. Weird? I guess I was. That was fine though. I dared to bet he was too. I took his mug and handed it to him, looking into his eyes. ‘You’re one to talk.’ 

‘Takes one to know one,’ he shot back. 

‘Right,’ I chuckled. ‘Anyway, I’m going back to work.’ 

He waved silently, as if he didn’t care what was going to do in the slightest. I watched him walk into the library while I organized the desk. Seconds later he came back with a William Burroughs in his hands. That didn’t surprise me in the slightest. 

What did surprise me was that, of all the places he could have chosen, he sat down against a heater near my desk. Just so that I could watch him, or so he could watch me. Like a shy cat, who didn’t want attention but who would always stick close. Ones in a while he’d glance up from his book to look at me. He’d smile then. 

Maybe because every time he’d catch my eyes.

I was looking at him just the same. 

He stayed around. Somewhere around three he left for half an hour, and then he came back. I assumed he had gone to get some lunch. It didn’t seem as if he was doing research, nor did he take any of the books he was reading. He just came, grabbed a classic and started reading it. That’s how he spent the entire day. He stayed around until six, when I finished my shift. When I left he got his things and got up as well. My heart started beating my my throat. I wondered if he, one of the most beautiful people I’d ever seen, was going to ask me out for dinner. If maybe, he wanted to leave together. 

But I walked to the bus stop, and he walked towards a black motorcycle. 

The only thing he did was look up at me, stare into my eyes, and smile. I wondered if he regretted not thanking me, not talking to me a little more. He seemed like the type to keep his distance. 

I tried not to think about it. 

I tried and I failed. 

I replayed his movements, the way he had drank his coffee, the books he had read, in my head. I thought about how I didn’t know his name. How he hadn’t checked any of his books out. How concentrated he looked once he was reading. 

I replayed raindrops. Him getting drenched. 

The next morning he was there again. Five minutes after I opened up he walked through that door. He looked tired. ‘Good morning,’ I called out to him. 

He looked at me, looked surprised, and then said: ‘Good morning.’ He pulled his jacket a little closer to himself. He quickly walked into the library and came back with the same book he’d been reading the day before. While walking back towards the front I heard him cough. A nasty cough that must have hurt. He ignored it himself, walking up to the heater he’d been sitting against the day before and letting himself fall against it again. Somehow it made me feel calm that he was sitting so close to me. That he chose not to use the table’s in the back of the building. Despite not being good for my concentration; his presence did make me feel safe and warm.

He coughed again, longer this time. When his cough faded away he mumbled a quick: ‘fucking hell.’ I walked into the back. Stared at the waterboiler, wondering if I was being stupid. I most definitely was. I just couldn’t care anymore. I boiled some water, got out some ginger and cut it into small pieces, and then put a spoon of honey into the mug. Ingredients that every workplace should have, if they don’t want sick employees at least. I made a cup for myself as well, just to be sure. 

The tea looked good. Warm and healthy. I could smell the fresh ingredients. 

So I walked up to the beautiful guy and held out the mug to him. He stared at me, completely surprised. ‘What the hell are you doing?’, he asked. 

‘Your cough sounded awful. I made you some ginger tea.’

‘Are you always this fucking nice?’ 

I blushed, bit my lip softly. ‘It’s nothing much.’ 

‘What the hell,’ he mumbled. That’s when the took the mug from my hand. He closed his eyes and smelled the tea. He enjoyed the smell, I could tell by the look on his face. ‘I bet this’ll help.’ He mumbled softly. 

‘Ginger works wonders.’ 

He placed his hands around the mug, paying attention to how warm the mug was feeling. 

‘Why don’t you go home for the day? You were completely drenched yesterday. Big chance that you’ve caught a cold.’ 

He chuckled. ‘Yeah could be.’ 

‘We can check those books out for you so you can read them at home. You know, in bed. Preferably with even more ginger tea.’ 

He laughed at my words, even though I had been completely serious about every single one of them. ‘You really care a lot.’ 

‘Like more people should do.’ 

He sipped his tea, seemed to be thinking. ‘I- eh-’ He didn’t look up at me. ‘I actually don’t have a library card. I always read everything here.’ 

‘Oh-’ I wanted to tell him that we could just get him one right now, but then it hit me that maybe he didn’t have the money. I slowly sat down next to him, my knee touching his. ‘Don’t tell anyone, but I could just let you take them home. I’ll write down your name and address, it’s fine.’ 

He sighed, smiled softly. ‘You’re really making this hard for me.’ 

‘I’m trying to make it easier, though.’ 

He nodded. ‘I know that.’ Once again he sipped his tea. I was glad he was enjoying it. ‘Listen.. Eh- What’s your name?’ 

‘Eiji.’ 

‘I like that. I’m Ash. Anyway, Eiji. I don’t really have an address at the moment. I’ve really been living everywhere and nowhere.’ 

Oh. I had pushed him to tell me that. 

Suddenly a lot of things clicked. The way he hung around in the library all day, or why he never checked anything out. Even why he looked so lost all the time; he really was a little lost. 

He didn’t care to let me in on more details about his lifestyle. 

‘Oh-’ 

He snorted at that. 

‘Eh- would you.. Would you like to go home with me after my work? I was planning on making soup and I always make too much.’ 

He stared at me like I was crazy. He made me nervous. I wondered if he noticed that I asked because I thought he was pretty. I wondered what he thought of me. 

‘That trusting attitude is going to bite you in the ass one day,’ he said. 

I smiled. ‘I’d rather have that than have anything change my attitude. I don’t live for the terrible people in this world, so I won’t let them shape me.’ With that I stood up. ‘You don’t have to give me an answer right now. Just know that you’re welcome to join me for dinner.’ 

Like that I went back to work. I finally managed to get my head away from him even if it was just a second. If he wanted to see me more, he’d take the chance. I still didn’t exactly understand how I had had the balls to ask him to come with me, but I’d done it. 

I took a cart and started putting all the books that had been brought back, back in their place. The walk through the old building was nice, now that I knew where all these books were supposed to go. I still remembered the first time had done this; I took hours that day. I had to look up every single book, search through the aisles. I’d even gotten lost in one of these hallways. But these days I finished up working quickly. Walked around, helped people find their books, helped kids find their parents, helped old people find an email on our old computers. The usual. It was nice. It was calm due to the rain. 

When it was six o’ clock I walked back to the desk. Ash was no longer sitting at his spot near the desk. That made me feel nervous. Had he left? Where had he gone?

I didn’t really have time to worry about it. I got the microphone and called ‘Library is closing, please take your books to the front desk,’ through the building. There were only a few people around. I checked out their books and wished them a lovely day. After that I walked one more round through the building, checking if no one was inside anymore. There wasn’t. Something that disappointed me more than it should have done.

Nothing to be done about it.

I got my coat, my thick scarf, my umbrella, and I walked out of the library. Sighing. He didn’t want to be with me. That was good to know. I locked the door, closing all the locks with care. It was raining softly again. 

‘I thought the library closed at six,’ I heard behind me, scaring the absolute shit out of me. 

I turned around quickly. ‘Ash!’ 

‘What you thought I’d left?’ 

‘Well.. Yeah.’ 

‘Nah, I was having a smoke.’ 

I couldn’t help but smile at that. ‘Alright then. Let’s go?’ I started walking towards the bus stop. Ash didn’t move with me, he just stared. 

I turned around. ‘Are you coming?’ 

‘We can take my bike.’ 

I looked at his big black motorbike. Bit my lip. ‘Eh- That’s.. It’s really close so we could also wa-’ 

‘I promise I drive safely.’ He looked.. kind of excited. It rubbed off on me. It was hard to say no to him.

‘Promise?’ 

‘Yeah, come on.’ 

I don’t know what came over me but I followed behind him. He handed his helmet to me. When I struggled to put it on he laughed softly and helpen. It was barely touching, still it made my heart beat faster. 

‘There, all set,’ he said. 

‘What about you?’ 

‘Hm? Only have one helmet.’ 

‘But-’ He ignored me and sat down on his bike. 

‘Come on.’ he said, loudly so I could still hear it. 

So I just.. did? I got on the back of his bike. Despite not actually knowing him. Despite thinking motorbikes are scary as hell. 

He made something brave inside of me come out. 

And once we were driving it was so much fun. I felt so light. He drove reckless but safe. He didn’t exactly go that fast. ‘Give me directions!’ he told me. Which was probably why he hadn’t driven fast. He had no idea where he was going. 

I held his belly tightly. He was warm against me. ‘The next street we need to go to the left.’ Having a body against mine reminded me of how long I’d been alone. Of how I had missed holding someone. This wasn’t exactly the most romantic moment. Actually; it wasn’t at all. Still I couldn’t help but remember the touch. ‘To the right.’ He made a sharp turn, making my stomach tumble inside of me. My heart raced a little. I quite liked the feeling of it. ‘This is it.’

‘Hm?’ 

‘I live in the next building!’ 

Ash carefully pulled his bike over and stopped. He put his feet on the ground, let me get off first. I took off the helmet, smiled at him. I could feel my hair sticking up. ‘Was that scary?’ he asked. 

I nodded. ‘Yeah.’ He chuckled and took the helmet out of my hands. ‘But I guess I should do things I find slightly scary more often.’ 

‘Yeah?’ 

‘Hm.. things like driving motorcycles, inviting intimidating strangers over for soup.’

He laughed at that. ‘You think I’m intimidating?’ 

‘I know you think you are.’ 

He shrugged. 

‘But maybe mysterious fits better,’ I said.

I got out my key and opened the first door of my apartment building. The old door opened with the perfect about of screeching and cracks. 

‘I’m not..’ Ash mumbled. 

‘Sure thing, mister I don’t have an address and read classics in the library all day.’ 

He stared at me, surprised, maybe? A little amused as well. ‘Alright, if you say so.’ 

When we came to the third floor I got to my door and opened it up for him. He followed behind me, stopped in the door opening and looked into my living room in silence. ‘Nice place,’ he mumbled. ‘Quite fancy stuff for a librarian.’ 

‘I like thrift shopping. Working at the library also gives me a discount for buying books.’ 

He stared at my bookcases, covering my entire wall. ‘It’s like a second library here.’ 

‘Well.. I like what I like.’

He smiled happily, then finally walked inside and took his jacket off. Without asking me anything he started browsing through my bookcase. I watched the beautiful man in front of my books for a few seconds; quite the sight. Eventually I decided to heat some water and make us some coffee. 

‘Are you still feeling ill?’ I called from the kitchen. 

‘I’m not ill.’ 

‘Be honest with me.’ 

‘I throat hurts a little.’ 

With that I put away the coffee and got out a pot of korean ginger tea. I heard Ash walk into the kitchen behind me. He watched me put the tea into our glasses. ‘What the hell is that?’ he asked. 

“Korean ginger tea.’ I turned around and got a small box full of medicines from my shelf. I looked for my tiger balm. 

He leaned against my small wooden kitchen table. I hadn’t been in this kitchen with someone else very often, but it felt cosy. The kitchen was small. Exactly big enough for two people. 

‘So.. are you Korean?’ 

I finally found the tiger balm, got it out of the box. Ash was still staring at me. ‘No, I’m Japanese.’ 

‘Born here or moved here?’ 

I walked up to him. Whispered a soft: ‘Sit down.’ He did as he was told. I got the tiger balm out, and put some on my fingers. ‘I moved here like.. Six years ago.’ 

‘That’s amazing.’ 

‘I was doing a journalist internship and stayed around. Put your head down for me.’ He did. I massaged tiger balm into his neck.

‘Ah.. that’s nice- wait what the hell.’ 

‘Don’t tell me you’ve never put tiger balm on your muscles?’ 

‘No?’ 

‘Time to start doing so. Look up again.’ He did as he was told, once again. ‘Can you pull down your sweater a little, little bit?’ He nodded, did so. The skin underneath his sweater was pale and clear. I put some tiger balm on his chest. 

He closed his eyes. ‘That feels really nice.’ 

‘Not getting sick always feels nice.’ 

He chuckled. 

At last I put one dot of tiger balm on his forehead. He looked up, straight into my eyes. ‘What is that good for?’ he asked. 

I couldn’t look away; he held my eyes. ‘My mother used to do that. She said it was to protect me. It’s a blessing.’ 

Ash smiled softly. I hadn’t seen him look so sweet before. ‘I’ve never been blessed before, but it feels good.’ 

‘Get used to it. You deserve it.’ I finally ripped my eyes away from him, turned around. 

‘You don’t know that,’ he replied. 

I got the ginger tea and put it in front of him. ‘Everyone deserves a blessing, once in a while.’

With him sitting behind me in the kitchen I put on a playlist full of lofi songs. He seemed to enjoy it, bobbing his head with the music. He was a lot easier to have around than I had expected. 

I took the pumpkin and some carrots I had been saving for the soup. 

‘We’re having pumpkin soup?’ Ash asked, sounding almost offended. 

‘Do you.. not like pumpkin?’ 

‘Not really.’ 

‘I could make something else..’ 

‘No. Uh- Fuck. I like the taste. It’s fine. I just hate halloween and stuff like that.’ He chuckled, a little embarrassed. 

Who would have thought. 

I chuckled softly, trying not to make him feel any worse. ‘I promise I won’t carve a scary face into it. Going to cut the entire thing down.’ 

‘The only right fucking thing to do to pumpkins.’ 

I couldn’t help but laugh at that. 

Cooking with him next to me was calm. He asked me easy questions, about my family and about my job. When I asked him a question in return he often just shrugged, and I’d let it drop. I hadn’t invited him to make him feel bad. I hadn’t invited him to figure out why he didn’t have a home to return to. I invited him to make him feel at home somewhere. 

He was a warm person. I trusted my instincts. 

He didn’t like the korean ginger tea. I told him to drink it anyway; if he wanted to avoid becoming ill. He said that he would if I’d make him a cup of coffee after. An easy deal.

When the soup was finished we moved to the living room. I decided I wanted to eat on the couch with a blankets draped over my body. He chuckled when I told him so. 

He seemed like the kind of person who didn’t allow himself to get cozy. 

That was fine; we could change that. 

He sat down next to me on the couch. ‘Would you like to see a movie?’ 

‘Hm.. If there’s something you want to watch?’ 

‘Maybe some classics of a different kind.’ He raised his eyebrow, curiously. ‘A ghibli movie.’ 

‘A what?’ 

‘Time to educate you.’ 

He chuckled and sat down on the couch. ‘That’s what you’ve been doing the entire time.’ 

‘I’m sorry.’ 

‘It’s fine. Maybe you’re right. Haven’t been taking care.’ 

I smiled at him. He wasn’t so stubborn now. I linked my television to my computer and put on Howls Moving Castle. I figured he’d like that. He was kind of like Howl, in a way. Dramatic.

‘Howl.. like the poem,’ he mumbled. 

Of course he’d link the two. It made me chuckle. ‘My favourite,’ I told him. 

He looked at me, somehow he seemed to be looking at me like the world was new. ‘Mine too.’ 

I blushed, looked at the movie screen. ‘It fits you.’ 

‘Thanks..’ And with that the movie started. Ash stared at the screen in awe. ‘We’re watching a Japanese movie?’ 

‘You mind?’ 

‘Absolutely not.’ 

I got a blanket from next to the couch, put it on top of his and my legs. I didn’t quite dare to sit closer to him yet. He didn’t seem to mind, he wasn’t even watching me anymore. He was just eating his pumpkin soup.

‘Been a long time since I had home made food,’ he said. 

And why is that? I wondered. I didn’t ask him. I only hoped that he’d enjoy the soup. I hoped that this wouldn’t be the last time we’d eat together like this. Somewhere while watching our legs fell together, we touched each other slightly. It was small enough to go unnoticed if I wasn’t this god damn into him, but I was. I couldn’t focus on the movie. I couldn’t focus on anything. I looked up at him shyly. 

He was completely sucked into the movie, stared at the screen. He wasn’t looking at me, at all. 

When it was around eleven I stood up to get a last cup of tea. It had gotten quite cold in the room. Maybe I’d have to get Ash another warmer blanket, or maybe a better sweater. Waiting for my tea I thought about it, but then I heard Ash walk around the living room. I looked around the corner. Ash was fetching his shoes. 

‘What are you doing?’ 

‘I think it’s time to leave. I guess you’ll be going to bed soon, right?’ 

I walked out of the kitchen stood a meter away from him. ‘Where are you going, then?’ 

He didn’t look up at me, as if pulling on his shoes was the most important thing in the world. ‘Frankly, Eiji, that’s none of your business.’ 

My heart sunk into my belly. That softness he had was gone so quickly. It scared me how much that one sentence did to me. And he was right: it really was none of my damn business. 

‘Do you even have a place to go to?’ 

He stood up. ‘I told you, it’s none of your business.’ 

I frowned as he turned to get his jacket. ‘I just care.’ 

Ash put on his jacket and turned tome. ‘Eiji, you’ve cared enough.’ What the hell was that supposed to mean? Did he mean I was supposed to stay out of his business, his life? That he couldn’t care less- ‘Thank you.. for that.’ He opened the door. I followed him on his heals. I didn’t know how I could ask him to stay. I hadn’t known him for a long time. He had all the right to go wherever he wanted. 

But the things he had said made me assume that he didn’t have a home. 

That he had no place to return to. 

I didn’t want him to stay on the streets. 

I didn’t want him to stay somewhere where he wouldn’t get any home made food. Where he’d drink no ginger tea and no one would make him eat breakfast. 

I didn’t have any right to want any of these things from him. 

‘The soup was really nice, Eiji.’ 

And with that he closed the door behind him. No: ‘See you again.’ I had no idea what to expect of him, but as soon as I sat down on that couch I realised that I missed him. I had gotten used to him so quickly. 

I couldn’t sleep that night. Getting up the next morning was terrible. The worst thing wasn’t that he pushed me away. I could live with that. The worst thing was definitely that I had taken away his safe spot from him. If things would get awkward with me, things would get awkward at the library. 

I knew it was one of the places he loved most. 

I tiredly got myself a cup of coffee when I had finally managed to get out of my bed. While drinking that first cup, I kept staring out of the window. The street was calm, still almost empty. A thick mist hung above the street. It really was a nice autumn day. 

I’d have to get my mind off Ash. 

But the next morning, first thing, he was in the library again. The moment he stepped into the building my entire body felt weak. I wanted to ask where he had been. Why he was showing up here so early if it had been a nice place. 

I wanted to give him his space. 

‘Morning, Eiji.’ 

I smiled. ‘Good morning, Ash.’ 

He walked towards the bookshelves again, got out new books, and then he sat down somewhere near the counter. He wanted to stay near me. We went back to our usual rhythm. When I had made coffee, I gave a cup to him as well. I worked and glanced at him. He read and did a good job at not looking at me all too often. 

There was nothing unusual except from the beating of my heart. The. Whole. Damn. Day.

When it was time to close up Ash was still there. He brought back his books when I called that everyone should, and walked out ten minutes before I did. He was having a smoke when I finished. 

I looked at him. He made me stomach turn with that cocky look because underneath there was a lot of sadness. I somehow wanted that cocky look off his face, and somewhere I really really didn’t want that. 

He took a deep breath of that cigarette, closed his eyes. His lashes were quite long, his cheekbone strong. 

He started talking before opening his eyes. ‘No obnoxious questions about where I’m going today?’ 

I blushed. So he had seen it as such. ‘No.’ 

He finally looked at me, his bright green eyes holding mine. ‘Lost a little spirit?’ he asked. 

I didn’t even know how to answer that. Why was he being like this? 

‘Just respecting your privacy.’

He snorted ‘Now you decide that. Okay, whatever.’ I didn’t know what he meant. I had only had good intentions from the start. I had done nothing but help him. 

I frowned. ‘Do you want me to invite you again?’

He smirked, a look that I didn’t understand, ‘No, I have better things to do.’ 

I sighed and started walking towards my house, into the rain. I didn’t have an umbrella, should have taken a bus, but I couldn’t stand being near him. I couldn’t stand waiting now. I wanted to make thing better for this gorgeous fucking man. He wasn’t the asshole he was pretending to be; I had seen glances of someone else. 

But I wasn’t going to let him walk over me like I was nothing. 

‘Eiji!’ Ash called out, he threw his cigarette into a puddle. I looked at him once and then kept walking. ‘Eiji let me drive you home.’ 

‘I’d rather you don’t.’ 

The next day Ash wasn’t there early in the morning. That was unusual, even after the fight. I kept on looking up, glancing around. My colleague called me out on it: ‘Are you looking for something, darling?’ I had told her ‘no’, because I didn’t know how to explain the situation. I just started working. I held a book and thought of him. I got a cup of tea and thought of him. I glanced at the rain and thought of him. It was really becoming a mess in my head. 

But - at some point in this everlasting (and annoying) day in which I kept looking for him - he actually walked through that door. He was wearing the same clothes as the day before and he had a big backpack on his back. Him and the backpack were drenched. 

I had to stop myself from launching myself at him. 

Staring though, I couldn’t stop doing.

He looked down at the ground, his eyes didn’t go looking for me. His eyes avoided the front desk, probably expecting me to be there, and he walked on, towards me. That’s when I saw his face; black and blue. His eye was swollen and there was blood on his nose and eyebrow. 

It looked painful. 

That was it. That was all I could god damn take. I walked up to him, stood still right in front of him. He finally looked up, the beatings looking even worse than before. ‘Eiji?!’ He sounded surprised, a little shocked even. He really thought he had avoided me. 

‘Ash.’ I took his chin into my hand. I did so carefully, but he seemed too shocked to move anyway. His wide eyes studied by face as much as I did with his.

‘You’re not okay,’ I said.

Ash smiled. ‘I’ve had worse.’ 

My belly turned around, anger erupting inside of me. I told myself to stay calm. It wouldn’t help anyone if I’d get mad as well. ‘That’s also not okay.’ 

That made him chuckle. He didn’t reply. 

‘Who did this?’ 

‘None of your business.’ He reached out to his face and started scratching the wound on his eyebrow. 

I caught his hand, held it. He was looking at me as if he was seeing me anew. 

‘That’s getting kind of old, Ash. No one else seems to be making you their business so I’m doing it right now.’ 

Ash smiled at that, seeming quite genuine. ‘You’re a weird one.’ 

‘That’s fine.’ 

‘People are staring.’ 

‘I don’t care. Ash, please tell me who did this.’ 

He looked at the ground, suddenly not so cocky anymore. He tightly held my hand. ‘Eiji..’ 

I nodded. 

‘Can I stay at your place again? We could watch a ghibli movie or whatever you want.’ 

I slowly pulled my hand away from his. He looked at me, right into my eyes, without me making him. His green eyes were always intense, even when the rest of his body seemed down. ‘You can always come to my place. Always.’ 

‘Thank you,’ he whispered. 

I decided, bravely so, to take his hand again and drag him through the library. Ash followed me without question but didn’t let go of my hand either. People around us stared at him; the beautiful boy with blood on his face. 

When I pulled him behind the desk, towards the backroom, my colleague gave me a confused look. ‘A friend of mine.’ I said. She didn’t look like she cared that I was taking him into our workspace, she just seemed to care that he got hurt. 

I didn’t feel like explaining. 

Actually; I had no idea how or what to explain.

When we got to our small kitchen I got out a clean towel and an ice pack. I wrapped it up, not too tightly, and handed it to Ash. ‘Don’t hold it against it too tightly.’ I mumbled. 

‘I’ve had an ice pack before, you know.’ 

I rolled my eyes. “Have you cleaned your wounds?’ 

‘Nah. I didn’t have time for it. Walked through the rain though.’ 

‘Says the guy who knows how to handle himself.’ 

‘Never said that.’ 

‘But you were thinking it.’ 

He chuckled, but didn’t answer. I knew he was. I got out some cotton sticks and alcohol. I carefully pushed the cotton against Ash’s wounds. He kept looking at me while I did so. He didn’t look away from me even one second.

‘What?’ I asked him. 

He shook his head, making me slip. I took his jaw in my hand and held him still. Sighed. That made him chuckle. ‘You just.. You really are a honest person.’ 

‘I told you before, right?’ 

‘You’d rather get screwed over than change your attitude,’ he repeated. 

I nodded. ‘Good things always come back to you.’ 

‘I highly doubt that.’ He sounded pained while saying that. I wondered how much he had tried. How fucking bad he had been screwed over to stop believing such a thing. 

‘It might not be now, Ash. But it’ll come back to you.’ 

‘You think you’ll get positivity back from me?’ He asked. He sounded genuine. 

I finished cleaning his wounds, pulled back a little. ‘I don’t know. That’s not what I mean. I don’t have to get anything back from you. I just know the world will get it back to me somehow.’ He nodded. ‘But I think- right now it’s not my turn for good things.’ I smiled at him, I tried to keep his eyes on me. He didn’t look away for even a second. ‘I think it’s yours.’ 

He bit his lip. 

Finally he broke, with tears in his eyes he looked down. ‘Fuck,’ he said. 

‘That’s what you’ll be saying when I’ll have you cut the pumpkin tonight.’ I tried to lighten up the mood. 

Ash looked at me in disbelief, then kicked my hip. ‘Oh fuck off.’ 

It was one of the first times since forever that I could leave without closing up. Ash and I walked out side my side. I hadn’t quite realised it; but we had never really walked next to each other. Usually we didn’t walk at the same pace, didn’t know what to expect from each other. But now Ash was calmly walking next to me like it was what he had done every single day. No stumbles, no discussion about who held the door open, no weird feelings about who walked on what side. 

‘We taking the bike?’ Ash asked. 

‘Yeah, sure.’

‘Could you wear my backpack? I know it’s drenched but-’ 

‘It’s fine Ash.’ With that he handed me his backpack and his only helmet. I trusted him. I got on the back. This time, though, Ash didn’t hold back in the slightest. He pulled up fast, raced through the street. I could barely see the things we drove by. The wind hit my coat, pulled the fabric with her, while Ash kept me in place. Or rather- near him. I felt free. 

The drive stopped as fast as it had started. Ash had remembered where I lived perfectly. That didn’t surprise me in the least. 

When he stopped I felt slightly disappointed. My heart slowing down, then sinking, when we stopped slowly. ‘Still scary?’ Ash asked when I got off that bike. 

I shook my head. ‘It feels really nice, actually.’ 

‘My bike is what keeps me unchained, at least that’s how it sometimes feels.’ 

I grinned. ‘I can imagine. It really does make you feel free.’ 

Ash leaned in slightly, stared at me for a second. 

‘What?,’ I asked him.

He smirked like a child. ‘Let’s go on a drive. A small one, over the bridge and back.’ 

Over the bridge. 

There was a lot of nature there. There were some old hotels and bed and breakfasts, but not much more. I sometimes went there so I could take a walk.

‘Actually, I’d like that.’ 

Ash grinned. Fucking grinned. I had never expected him to grin like that, but it made my head tumble. ‘Let’s put away our stuff then.’ 

We walked up stairs. Ash breathed in deeply once he came in, glanced at my bookshelf happily. I got his stuff from my back. All of his stuff smelled like wet dog. He started hanging his clothes on chairs. I called him a fool, got his stuff off the chairs again. 

‘Eiji, what are you doing?’ 

‘Let’s wash some of these. It’ll be warm and clean when we get back.’ Ash stared at me. ‘Actually I still had to do my black laundry, so this is perfect.’ I got some of my own clothes from my room and put them into my washing machine. Ash was watching me this whole time. 

‘I don’t know when I’ll leave,’ he mumbled. The gesture was, apparently, too household-ish for him. I really didn’t care anymore. 

I started the machine, glanced up. ‘I’m washing your clothes, not asking you to marry me.’ 

Ash smiled shyly. ‘So, you want to go?’ 

‘On a drive,’ I mumbled. ‘Getting away for a bit.’ 

‘Knowing we can get home again, for a bit.’ 

Wind in his hair, my arms tightly wrapped around his waist, sereny flying by faster than I had ever seen it go. Ash’s energy was warm, it was full of light. I had only seen him tired, but he seemed.. excited. 

He fastened up at the bridge, passed a few cars. I held onto him even tighter. He laughed at my reaction. The sky was grey, but there was no rain to be seen. It was a bit cold, on that bridge, but that was fine. I looked at the river. I knew that it was the heart of the city. It pumped blood through the streets. 

When we got off the bridge Ash drove into nature. He rushed through fields, slowed down when there were cows standing near the side of the road. When I waved at the cows he chuckled and decided to follow my movements. ‘Careful.’ I said, low. 

‘Don’t worry, I’ve got you.’ 

And I believed him. 

When there came a small hotel in sight, Ash stopped his motor and got off. I followed him. ‘Care for a cup of coffee?’ He asked.

I breathed in. The air here was amazing. The wind rushed all around us, the trees moved with as if it was nothing. I stared at the sky for a while, then I looked at Ash. He was staring right back at me, he looked peaceful. 

It hit me that that was a new face. 

I had never seen him look peaceful. He always looked worried, cocky, lost, sad. Even that night at my house he had looked like he was thinking about so much more. But not now.. even with his face beaten black and blue he looked calm. 

‘Eiji?’

‘Wha- sorry yeah. Coffee?’ 

‘Or dinner, it is half past seven.’ 

‘Hm.. sounds nice.’ I walked towards the hotel. He followed behind me, his hands into his pockets. Some of his cockiness was back. I wondered if it was because we were going to see other people. I wondered if that peaceful look was a special one. 

The girl behind the desk smiled when we walked up to her. I tried to look as polite as possible. ‘Hello.. Is it possible to just eat a bite here?’ 

The girl leaned down on her hand and smiled at me sweetly. ‘I can make an exception.’ 

‘Oh, that would be great!’ 

‘Shame you’re not sticking around, though.’ She turned her head, smiled softly. 

‘Sorry.’ I mumbled. 

That’s when Ash took my hand, smiled at the girl, and asked: ‘The restaurant is?’ 

She pointed towards the conservatory. Ash thanked her and dragged me away. I couldn’t help but think about that hand he was holding. He felt so.. warm. 

‘Aren’t you the popular one?’ He asked. 

‘What.’ I deadpanned. 

‘She was flirting with you,’ he chuckled. 

He pulled out a chair, gestured for me to go sit. 

I did so, wondered where all that gentleman was coming from. ‘No she was not.’ He smirked. ‘Was she?’ 

He chuckled. ‘Yeah, certainly.’ 

‘Oh.. That’s weird.’ 

‘It’s weird that you didn’t notice.’ He sat down himself, then he looked into my eyes carefully. ‘Why would it be weird if someone flirts with you?’ 

‘I just.. never perceived myself as very attractive? To women, at least. Standing next to you.. I’d say she would- I don’t know- this is weird..’ 

‘Tell me.’ 

‘She’d pick you. To flirt with.’ 

Ash laughed. ‘Are you blind?’ 

I shot him an angry glance. That didn’t shut him up, if anything if made him grin even brighter. ‘Eiji.. You’re really good looking. Don’t ever think that nice girls won’t like you.’ 

Oh. So that’s what he was thinking. He didn’t realise that I didn’t like girls. 

Maybe I had to reread literally all his actions, then. Him taking my hand. Him getting jealous when she flirted with me. Him giving looking at me like- like I was- I don’t know. ‘I’m gay.’ 

He stared at me, a smile still playing on his lips. ‘Hmm. You are now?’ 

‘Yeah.’ 

‘Don’t worry about girls flirting with you, then.’ 

‘I didn’t.’ Come on, Eiji, just say it. ‘I was saying that I looked like nothing compared to you.’ Be brave for once. ‘I was worried that you were the one out of my league.’ 

Apparently, that did it. That was enough to break through that cool attitude of his. He blushed bright red. At the same time he was smiling and biting his lip. I looked at the menu, satisfied. I tried to focus on the meals I could choose from. 

‘I think I’ll go for the pasta.’ 

He pulled himself back together. ‘I’ll have what you’re having.’ He smirked. ‘And a bottle of wine.’ 

‘You’re getting one glass. Still have to drive.’ 

He rolled his eyes. ‘Okay, mum.’ 

The dinner was soft, sweet. We chatted a lot.  _ Chet  _ was playing through the speakers. There were very few people eating at the hotel restaurant, which was nice. At some point it started raining again, and the drops sounded amazing on the glass building. I enjoyed watching Ash eat; he had really nice eating manners. I wondered where he had learned those. 

He hummed along with the music. We started talking about jazz. Ash told me nothing about his past. Instead, he told me about his dreams, about the things he loved, about things he hated, what he felt at that moment. 

I decided rather have all those things, instead of his past. 

The way back home was… well, rainy. Ash drove safely, but we got completely wet. I held onto Ash tightly, put my head against his back.The rain was making me lose my vision with the helmet on. I didn’t care. I trusted Ash. I just wanted to feel his warmth. 

When we got home I told Ash to follow me into the bedroom. I got out sweatpants and a thick sweater. ‘I think we’re the same size.’ I told him, even though I knew most of my clothes were oversized. 

Ash took the sweater from my hands. I pulled out my wet shirt and let it fall on the floor. Then I got out a thick dark-blue sweater and pulled it over my head. 

Ash was staring. 

‘Ash?’ 

He looked at the clothes he was holding. ‘Uhm. Thank you, for today.’ He said. ‘Been a while since I felt like I escaped from reality. It’s been a while since I just had fun with someone.’ 

‘I’m glad you did.’ I walked closer to Ash. ‘Can I... hug you?’ 

His eyes shot up, then he thought for a while. ‘No,’ he went with. ‘Wait a second,’ he continued. Then he pulled out his sweater, right in front of me. My heart beat faster than it should have done, but I couldn’t help it. Not with him. Not now that he was changing in my bedroom. 

He pulled on my sweater. The sleeves were too long, just like they were for me. He looked cozy. He looked god damn amazing. ‘Okay. Go ahead.’ 

My heart skipped a beat. I stepped a little closer to him, slowly put my arms around him. He placed his hand on my hip, the other on my back. His fingertips felt like they were burning, but maybe it was because I had been so damn cold before. 

He buried his face into my neck, breathe in and breathe out very carefully, Then he spoke up: ‘Eiji.’

‘Yes,’ I whispered. 

‘I want to be honest with you.’ 

I let my hand slide over his back. Caressed it slowly. I didn’t know how to answer that. ‘Hm..’ 

‘But I’m afraid you’ll make me leave.’ 

‘I won’t. I promise.’ 

‘I don’t want you to let me stay if you think I’m.. I-’ 

‘Ash.’ I pulled away a little, took his face in between my hands. ‘Let’s make a deal.’ 

‘Hm..’ 

‘The Ash I see, it’s the one you are to me. I’m not going to judge you by your past, or by rumours, or whatever you’re afraid of.’ 

‘There are a lot.. rumours and stories. A lot of things in the past.’ 

‘I promise.’ 

He glanced up, stared at me. ‘Thank you..’ 

‘No problem..’ I put my hand on his head. 

He looked into my eyes.‘I- The reason I got beat up- Hm..’ I stroked his hair. He could take as long as he wanted to. ‘There was a man. Who took care of me, sort of. He took me in when I was still a child and he- fuck.. Eh- I had to have- ehm- sex with him.. in exchange for.. that.’ He let go of me, waiting for me to do the same. I didn’t. I took his hand in mine. He pushed my hand away again, I brought it back. He looked a little afraid. ‘I’d been living on the streets before that.’ 

‘Ash..’ 

‘But- But the reason I got beat up was because I told him I wouldn’t give him what he wanted anymore. I’m.. I’ve been used to that kind of life but- I just- I didn’t know if I was worth having a better life. Didn’t think I could quite do it.’ I stroked his hand, my thumb playing with his. ‘We’ve had this fight before. We’ve had it a lot lately, and every time I’d come back because I thought I wasn’t worth more than that. But this time-’ He looked up at me, his green eyes held mine so tightly. ‘This time I really believe I’m worth more than that.’ 

I moved closer to him, put my forehead on his.

He was so brave.

‘You’re worth the world, Ash.’ 

‘Aren’t you disgusted?’ 

‘No.. I’m proud. Thank you for telling me.’ 

He closed his eyes, caressed my hand. 

Wrapped up in our pajamas and a soft blanket we stood in front of the bookcase. He picked up  _ Hard Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World,  _ stared at it for a while. I wondered if he didn’t know it. ‘Can you read in Japanese?’ 

‘Of course.’ 

‘ _ Haruki Murakami..’  _ he mumbled. ‘Why do you have the English one?’ 

I was holding a poetry book, looked up at Ash. ‘For comparison. I read both.’

He grinned. He liked that, for some reason. He excitedly turned the book around, read the back. ‘It sounds like a mess.’ I knew what that backpage was talking about: unicorns, another world. It was a genius book. 

‘It is.’ 

He stepped a little closer to me. ‘Will you read Japanese for me, sometime?’ 

I chuckled, took the book but simply held his hand too in the process. He was getting closer and closer, so easily. ‘ Sekai no owari to hādo-boirudo wandārando..’ 

His eyes shot up excitedly. ‘That’s what this book is called.’ 

He gripped my hand. ‘You intelligent piece of- you’re amazing-’ 

‘It’s nothing..’ 

‘I’m going to read this.’ 

I let go of his hand again, let it slip from mine. We walked towards the couch. I sat down pulling a blanket on top of my legs. Ash, with  _ Hard Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World  _ in his hands, followed me and sat down against my legs. He opened the book casually, pretending there was nothing weird about him leaning on me. Maybe there wasn’t. I mean.. He just started reading. 

I put some jazz on the bluetooth speakers. I got jazz versions of Ghibli songs. Ash perked up, because as the pure genius he was, he remembered every tune. Slowly we dozed into a sweet calmth. The room felt, despite the jazz and my beating heart, quiet. Ash slowly slipped further into his comfortable position, meaning further into my lap. He read with his full attention. When my empty hand fell onto his belly, he slowly reached out and grabbed it. He quietly held it, played with my fingertips as if it was nothing to him. He concentrated while holding me, I couldn’t focus on a single word my book said. When I realised that reading poetry wasn’t going to work, I secretly stared at our hands. I studied the way he held me. I studied his calm breath. I slowly fell in love with him all over again.

He had been honest with me. 

I knew him. 

Slowly, I dozed off. I felt my book slip from my hand slightly and reminded myself to stay awake. I forced myself to open my eyes. With little success, seconds later my eyes slowly closed again. The warmth Ash brought me was amazing. 

I tried to remember the last time I had fallen asleep with someone in my arms. 

I couldn’t quite remember.

_ Merry go round  _ was playing. The sleep was soft. 

That night I woke up with Ash still lying on top of me. He was still awake. When I opened my eyes he glanced up. ‘Ash..’ I whispered. 

‘Hey,’ he said softly. ‘You’re awake.’ 

I glanced at the clock. It was three in the morning. ‘Why aren’t you sleeping?’ 

‘I couldn’t.’ 

‘Oh..’ I sat up. He moved away from me slightly, pulled his blanket up a little higher. ‘Shall I make you some tea?’

‘I don’t think tea will help.’ 

Oh. In that kind of way. ‘What’s going on?’ 

Ash moved away a little further. I reached out to him, grabbed his hand. He looked troubled. ‘I’m sorry for.. invading your safe space.’ 

I stared at him. ‘What?’ 

‘I feel a little guilty. You don’t know me.. Eiji- I-’ 

‘Shut up. Shut up for a second, Ash.’ He stared at me, wide eyed. ‘I was having the best nap of a lifetime, just because you were laying against me. I feel warm and safe.’

‘I’m not-’ 

‘I am warm and safe, just because you make me feel that wa-’ In the middle of my sentence, he grabbed my neck and pulled me in. I thought he was going to hug me, cry again. Instead he pushed his lips on mine roughly. He deepened the kiss instantly, pulled me in hard. I kissed him back, tried to calm his pace. 

Before I managed to do that he pulled back again. 

‘That. That’s what I want from you. You’re not safe because I’m here.. Eiji.’ 

I put my hand on his cheek. Ash frowned. ‘You think a kiss is not a safe gesture? Or a warm one?’ Ash looked down. He seemed to be afraid of my words. I leaned in slowly, so that our noses were almost touching. ‘Ash.. Your kiss is nothing but sweet to me.’ 

‘I’m sorry.’ He said. 

I snuggled his nose against mine. ‘I’m really not.’ With that I kissed him again. This time I did it softly, as soft as I could. I brushed his lips against mine slightly, snuggling our noses together, placing my forehead on his. 

‘You’re tired,’ he mumbled. It sounded like he was accusing me of something bad. I didn’t know how to get through to him. 

‘I’m tired, not drunk. I know what I feel.’ 

He chuckled. ‘You’re a fool.’ 

‘Hm.. maybe that’s right.’ I kissed him again, he kissed me back softly. He seemed to have calmed down some. When I pulled back I looked into his eyes. ‘Was that why you couldn’t sleep?’ 

‘Well, it’s not like we’re in bed. I was just reading.’ 

‘It’s three o’ clock.’ 

He chuckled, kissing the side on my lip, almost my chin.  _ Look at him,  _ I thought,  _ warming up.  _ ‘Get used to it. I used to always live like this.’ 

‘Get used to snuggling from ten and taking a lot of naps, tough boy.’ 

He laughed. ‘I can do that.’ 

‘Hm, really? Prove it.’ 

He moved a little closed. My heart beating in my throat. He was really doing it. He sat down on my lap and put his arms around me. I put my head in his neck. ‘What do you think?’ He asked. 

I kissed his jaw. ‘Ten out of ten.’ 

When he laughed I could feel his throat vibrating. It sent shivers down my spine. He held onto me even tighter. ‘What time do you work tomorrow?’ 

‘Eight.’ 

He pulled back. ‘Go to sleep.’ 

I nodded. I was feeling tired as hell. His kisses send life into me, but I’d knock myself out soon enough. I hadn’t fallen asleep for nothing; I had been tired. These last days I’d worked full time. ‘Come with me?’ 

Ash stared at me, bit his lip, and then slowly nodded. He was the first one to stand up, taking  _ Murakami  _ in one hand and me in his other. He dragged me into the bedroom, complaining about my sleepiness. 

The bedroom was ice cold. I got underneath the blankets as quick as I could, petted the spot next to me. Ash got underneath the sheets as well. ‘I’m never on this side of the bed.’ He mumbled. 

I didn’t want to think about what that meant. 

I didn’t want to think about him with another man. 

I wiggled closer to him, put my body against his softly. He turned my way and placed his arms around me. I breathed out. He felt nice against me. ‘Tea spoon..’ he whispered. 

‘Pumpkin soup spoon.’ 

‘Why can’t I be another soup spoon?’ 

‘Pumpkin in my favourite.’ 

He stayed quiet for a while, thought about it. I could tell he was happy. He eventually went with: ‘Idiot.’ He held me just a little tighter after saying that. 

After that we were quiet for a while. I listened to the rain outside and Ash’s soft breath. I wondered if he had fallen asleep. His breath seemed slow enough. ‘Haven’t slept next to someone in forever.’

That made me want to turn around. My heart stopped for a second. But I stayed in position, I knew that he was comfortable. ‘But you just said- a man..’ 

‘Eiji. I don’t know what you’re thinking, but there’s nothing lovely dovely about my past. It’s hard, and disgusting. Sleeping next to someone is.. It’s something else.’ 

I turned around, stared his dark features. I didn’t know what to tell him. So I kissed him. I kissed him as sweet and as sensual as I could. That was a thing we could do now. He held my hip. I held his cheek. We didn’t always have to find words anymore, we could touch now.

‘Sleep well, Eiji,’ he whispered when I had pulled back. 

‘Sweet dreams.’ 

‘Wake me up when you wake up.’ 

‘You don’t have to leave. You don’t have to go to the library when you can just stay here to read.’

‘I’ll see tomorrow.’ 

I closed my eyes, felt his touch on my belly. ‘Just don’t leave.’ 

He chuckled. ‘As if.’ 

Ash..- Well Ash wasn’t good with mornings, to say things lightly. He held me tightly, waking up. That was lovely. When my alarm went off, the first thing I noticed that his arms were wrapped around me. Almost protectively. When I moved to snooze my alarm (because who the hell would not want to snuggle with such a beautiful man five minutes longer), he complained. He moaned softly. I couldn’t help but chuckle lightly and move closer to him again. He pulled me in even tighter, moved his nose against my jaw. I wondered if he was awake, even a little. It seemed like he was. 

Whatever, I thought, snuggling my nose into his hair. His soft, good smelling hair. I tried to focus on his hand, carefully placed right underneath my shirt, holding my hip. His hand was warm. Actually the entire space underneath the blanket was warm. That was logical, I guessed, but it had been forever since I had slept with someone. 

I pulled my arms away from his hold and wrapped them around him. He complained about it. I softly started caressing his head, his jaw, his ears. That made him smile a little. 

By the time the alarm clock went off again it really was time for me to get up. I was really cutting it close. ‘Ash..’ I whispered. 

Ash didn’t open his eyes. He frowned. ‘What?’ His voice was hoarse. 

‘I’m going to get up.’ 

He pulled me a little closer, didn’t say anything more. My entire belly felt warm because of how he held me. 

‘Ash.. I- work. I have to get up.’ 

This time he did let go of me. He turned around in bed, pulled the blanket up a little higher. ‘Do what the fuck you want.’ With that he hid his face in the blanket and breathed calmly again. 

I leaned in and kissed the top of his head. ‘Do you want breakfast?’ 

‘Hm..’ He grumpily moaned. I didn’t know what that meant; it sounded like a no. 

‘I’ll leave you something,’ I decided. 

He didn’t react, he was already breathing slowly, dozing away. For the first time in forever I decided to bring my breakfast to bed. I got up, put on a soft lofi playlist, and started making myself some oatmeal. I placed frozen blueberries into the pan, then some milk. While waiting for it to heat I made myself some coffee and got a big plate to put everything on. As soon as it was finished I walked towards the bedroom and sat down on my bed. In the distance the lofi playlist was still playing. I held coffee and took a sip once in a while. With the other hand I softly caressed Ash’s hair. He moaned.

It was a little like a dream. 

There was someone I liked, someone I really really liked in my bed. He was sleeping his tiredness off while I had hot coffee. 

I didn’t need a lot more. It felt like, maybe, this house had always been a place for two. 

That day he came in around one. He looked well rested. My heart literally skipped a beat when he walked in. Instincts can be crazy. I stared at him, Ash stared right back. He didn’t seem to know what to do now. 

‘Eiji?’ my colleague asked, poking my arm. ‘Who’s that guy? I’ve been seeing you talk to him quite a lot.’ 

I blushed. ‘He’s- he’s started living with me.’ I didn’t know if that was the best way to put it. I mean, my colleague was young, she knew I was gay, she wouldn’t judge me for it. But was that really the right way to describe it?

She just smiled. ‘You like him? He’s hot.’ 

I looked back at Ash, who was standing in front of our poetry favourites, pretending to read them. I knew he wasn’t, he was waiting. ‘Eh- well. Yeah, yeah I really do.’ 

She grinned. ‘Glad you got him. You deserve the best.’ 

‘I- thanks?’ 

She just grinned and nodded, started checking some files. Once she looked up, mumbled a quick: ‘Loverboy, coming this way.’ 

I straightened up stared at Ash. He walked slowly, as if he didn’t know it was me he had to speak to. As if he was just looking for  _ someone.  _

‘Hey,’ he said. 

‘Hi.’ 

He bit his lip. ‘I was eh- looking for a book.’ 

‘Hmm.. Maybe my colleague should help you. She’s really good with looking for books,’ Never in my life had I seen a man look so betrayed. My colleague was giggling as mischievously, mumbled a quick ‘really good.’ But, before Ash could hate me, I said: ‘Did you not notice us gossiping about you? What’s up?’ 

Ash looked surprised, but far from put off. ‘I’m sorry for this morning.. I’m not good with the whole.. waking up thing.’ 

I chuckled. ‘Surprised you used to be at the library so early. Anyway.. It’s okay, I had a nice morning.’ 

‘You did?’ 

‘Yeah.. I sat with you and you snuggled a lot.’ 

My colleague dropped something, smiling, and then whispered ‘That’s it, I’m doing rounds.’ 

Ash followed her with his eyes, a soft smile playing on his lips. ‘You know..’ he mumbled. ‘I used to be so early because I barely slept. I’d always wake up in panic, or not sleep at all.’

‘I’m glad you’re with me now..’ I mumbled. 

He nodded slowly. I could tell he wanted to kiss me. He felt like he couldn’t; which was probably a good idea.

I still reached out, touched his cheek. ‘Ash..’ He nodded. ‘Would you like me to make you a library card?’ 

‘But-’ 

‘I’ll put it on my address. It’s no problem.’ 

Ash smiled. ‘I’d like that.’ 

Who said it would be a good idea to give Ash a library card? Not me. Never said anything like it. Who said ‘sure,’ when Ash asked if I could carry a few of his books. Me? Might have been me. But I didn’t know it was going to be like this. I didn’t know what giving Ash his first library card would end up in him wanting to take eleven books home. ‘Two of them are essay’s and one’s a poetry collection,’ Ash added when I asked him when the hell he was planning on reading all these books. ‘Besides,’ he continued, ‘I’ve finished Murakami.’ 

I rolled my eyes, checked out his books for him. One of the books was a beginners guide to the Japanese language. I glanced up at him, I could feel the smile playing at my lips. He just shrugged with a blush on his face. 

That was sweet. Ash was sweet with his actions, not always with his words. But his actions were telling me all I wanted to hear. 

He was in for the long run, they told me. 

He had six books in his bag, I had the other five in mine. Ash asked me if it wasn’t too heavy like, ten times while we walked home. I rolled my eyes every single time. At some point Ash switched his bag to his other side, so that his free arm was on my side. I thought that was sweet. I took his hand in mine without thinking about it much. He squeezed it softly. 

Walking the stairs of my building hand in hand while carrying eleven books was hard. Sure. But we did so anyway. Ash laughed in the proces. His laugh made the entire building light up. He was so, so, damn gorgeous. He made me shy, he made me want him. 

I couldn’t imagine not wanting him anymore. 

It had only been days but he was- well- a perfect fit. 

Ash put his books on the table. I took off my shoes, put them near the door. I wondered if Ash was going to do that too, anytime soon. Maybe I’d have to point it out to him. I didn’t really care either way. 

Ash was staring at all his books, probably deciding which one he wanted to read, when I walked back into the living room. ‘Are you hungry?’ 

‘A little.’ He said. 

I walked up to him, put my arm around his hip. ‘Decided yet?’ 

‘Essay collection first.’ 

‘Good choice.’ I kissed his jaw. 

He looked up so I could kiss his neck. I did so softly. After that he looked down again, kissed my lips. ‘I know.’ 

We shared a last kiss before I walked into the kitchen. I wondered what I had in the fridge,. I opened some cabinets, checked my sauces, my vegetables. That’s when Ash came back to me, walked into the kitchen. 

He looked serious. 

I didn’t know if I wanted him to look like that. ‘Anything you feel like ha-’ Without a single warning his lips were back at my neck again. He softly sucked the skin, I moaned softly. I had no idea what was going on in his head but it sure felt good to me. 

That’s when he dropped down on his knees. He slowly opened my zipper. I panicked a little. He was being so sudden. He put his mouth to my jeans and put his lips against my dick roughly. Sure that did the trick, made me hard as hell, but more than that I was confused. 

‘Ash?’ He pulled my jeans down. Just enough for my dick to stand tall underneath my underwear. But he wasn’t looking at me. He had his eyes closed, or focussed them on my crotch. ‘Ash- sto-’ He kissed the tip, over my underwear. My body really, really didn’t want him to stop. ‘Ash. Ash.. Stop please.’ 

Ash finally looked up. 

He looked up in confusion, maybe even a little hurt, but at least he did. 

‘You- ehm- You don’t have to do this because you’re living here.’ Because that’s what it felt like, a little. I had felt that he liked me, even that he was in love with me. But I needed it now more than ever. 

Ash looked like he’d been slapped. He didn’t back away, but his eyes seemed a little lost. 

‘I want this. Of course, but you- you’re not even looking at me.’ If Ash hadn’t looked like he was slapped right in the face before, he sure looked like it now. He was trembling slightly. He looked down. 

‘Fuck.’ He just said. ‘Fuck Eiji, I’m sorry.’ 

I took his hand away from my crotch, kneeled down in front of him. ‘Are you okay?’ 

‘I don’t fucking know.’

I pulled him in a little closer. Hugged him. ‘Do you even want this?’ 

He nodded. Okay. Okay that was good. 

‘Can you tell me why you want this?’ I asked next. 

He nodded against my shoulder. I could feel him clenching my shirt. ‘You’re.. so good to me.’ 

‘Do you feel like you..’ I didn’t want to hurt him. ‘Like you have to?’ 

Ash pulled away. He stared into my eyes. ‘Is that how it seemed?’ 

I closed my eyes. Ashamed. ‘A little. I mean- I’ve felt you.. pay more attention to me.’ 

Somewhere, I expected him to get a little mad. But he didn’t. He just nodded, seemed to be thinking. ‘I have to get used to a few things, I think.’ Ash eventually whispered. He seemed so careful. 

I pulled him in, kissed his lips softly. ‘I think so too.’ 

He was blushing. His face sent my heart tumbling down into my stomach, my head into the drain. 

‘Ash.. Do you trust me?’ He nodded, without doubting it for a second. ‘Please look at me, then.’ He nodded again, bit his lip this time. He stared into my eyes. I slowly moved to unbutton his pants, still on my own knees. Ash moved up slightly, so I could strip him. He still looked at me. I tried to look away from him as little as possible. 

Then, carefully, I slid my thumb over the tip of his cock. 

That did something for him. 

He launched himself at me. Pulling me in and kissing me deeply. Both up on our knees, our cocks touched each other relentlessly. Ash grabbed mine and gave it a confident pull. He licked my lips, pulled away a little and stared into my eyes. He wasn’t looking away, held my neck so I kept my face close to his. His piercing green eyes made me feel like he had me completely captured. I couldn’t even lose his eyes if I wanted to. 

Still looking at me, Ash put both our dicks in his hand and pulled them clumsily. I moaned. He whimpered. Which absolutely didn’t make anything better for me. 

Shit, I almost came at the sound of his whimper. 

The kitchen floor was bruising my knees, I could feel it. Still all I could think about was Ash. Licking into his mouth. Kissing his neck. Biting his lips. He pulled my hips into his. He kissed me, and kissed me, and stared at me every time he pulled away.

When I was almost at my limit, Ash seemed close too. He shivered, almost falling down, but eventually just leaning against me. His blonde hair falling on top of my shoulder, his mouth wet against my neck. ‘Fuck.’ He called out, and seconds later: ‘Eiji..’ Him saying my name like that made my insides turn around. I came against his hand, took his earlobe into my mouth, tried to muffle my moan. I didn’t have to, Ash was cumming too. I felt his cum dripping onto my dick. He kept on pulling, almost pulling my life out of me.

’Holyfuck-’ I breath out.

Ash smiled softly, finally calming down ‘You could say that again.’ 

He was also.. so amazing. I kissed him carefully, as sweet as I could. Ash nuzzled his nose against mine. That told me I had succeeded. He had said that nothing from his past had been sweet, nothing had been warm. I knew that this was. If anything this was like hot chocolate; so damn sweet, hot, and kind of wet. 

Next try. Ash laid the table for me. He wanted to get used to the house, I guessed. So I told him where the tablecloth was, where the plates were, which fork I liked most. He got a tealight from the living room and lit it with the lighter he had for his smokes. I chuckled, he was really getting used to being cozy. 

I decided to make risotto with the vegetables I still had. Ash, apparently, couldn't care less about what we ate. He got himself comfortable in a kitchen chair and started reading his essays. I secretly studied him while he read. He looked serious, a little upset. I was pretty sure that it was an essay about the effects of capitalism on propaganda. Ash seemed to get sucked in by words. I didn’t know he read things like that; I had seen him as a classic prose reader. 

‘Ash?’ I asked softly, pouring the last water on top of the rice. 

He nodded. 

‘Have you thought about going back to school?’ 

He became completely still, looked up at me, surprised. He bit his lip, seemed to be thinking about it. ‘I can learn by myself.’ 

‘I know.’ I turned off the heat. ‘I know. But you would be such a great.. I don’t know, professor for example, and you’ll need a degree for that.’ 

He kept quiet for a second. I let him, took the pan and put it on the table. Ash stared at the way I moved. Eventually he asked: ‘You’re kidding, right?’ 

I sat down, reached out to get his hand. ‘Of course I’m not.’ 

Ash took my hand, looked at it while thinking. ‘All right.’ 

‘All right?’ 

‘Hm, I’ll think about it. I mean, getting a degree can’t be that hard.’ 

I chuckled. ‘For you it won’t.’ 

Ash put his feet against mine under the table, I softly stroked his with my toes. He was smiling softly, as if he had to be secretive about it. ‘You want to watch another one of those Japanese movies?’ 

‘A ghibli one?’ 

He took a bite of his risotto, moaned softly, nodded. 

‘You really liked that hm?’ 

‘I believe it’s physically impossible to not like those.’ 

I chuckled. ‘I guess that’s true. And It’ll be good for your Japanese.’ 

‘I literally just got the “for dummies’ book. Don’t get excited on me, Eiji.’ 

I couldn’t help but chuckle. ‘I am though.’

‘Well, teach me something then.’ He stared at me intensely. I almost forgot how the hell to speak Japanese when he looked at me like that. I blushed a little trying to think of things I could teach him. ‘Please?’ He asked.

I shyly caressed his hand. Slowly slid my finger over his veins. ‘ _ Watashi wa..’  _ That’s when I got shy about it. Half way through.  _ ‘-anata o aishite.’  _

_ ‘Watashi wa anata o aishite?’  _ He repeated perfectly, of course. There was no way that Ash wouldn’t be good at learning. I had noticed before. Getting a degree would literally be nothing to him. He was so god damn smart. ‘What does that mean?’ 

‘Well.. Ehm.’ I sighed, feeling stupid. ‘ _ Watashi  _ means I, or me.  _ Anata _ means you, and  _ ai  _ is love. So basically it means I love you. But- eh- you can also say Aishiteru because-’ Ash stood up, laughing. I shut up about love, love, love. Though it seemed like the only thing I could think about, and Ash- Ash stood up walked my way, slowly bowed down, and pressed his lips to mine. I reached out to his cheek, kissed back as soft as I could.

He pulled back. ‘ _ Aishiteru?’  _

I caressed his cheek. ‘That’s right. You’re a quick learner.’ 

He nodded, bit his lip shyly. ‘How do you say thank you?’ 

‘ _ Arigato.’  _

He nodded, kissed my cheek, my neck, my ear, my eyebrow, my nose. I wrinkled my face, smiling. He didn’t repeat the word after me. He kissed my forehead, the side of my lip, my other cheek, my jaw, my temple. Then he took my hand and softly kissed my knuckles.

‘Thank you, Eiji.’ 

‘Thank you.’ I leaned in, kissed his forehead and kept my lips right there. ‘You make me happy.’ 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
Comments make my day <3


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